GLOCK Inc Bought by Sears

1-Apr-12 – 07:43 by ToddG

AFP Georgia — It was announced today that Sears Holding Company, the umbrella corporation that owns such household name brands as Sears, K-Mart, Diehard, and Craftsman, has purchased Austrian handgun manufacturer GLOCK Inc for an undisclosed sum believed to be as much as $1 billion U.S.

The holding company, best known to firearms enthusiasts for its long anti-gun policies and partnership with vehemently anti-gun celebrities such as Rosie O’Donnell, made the surprise move amidst rumors that it actually intended to shut down the world famous handgun manufacturer as a beginning to a new campaign to promote its gun control agenda.

Founder and namesake of GLOCK Inc, Gaston Glock, was quoted in the European press as saying, “I respect the ownership and leadership of Sears Holding Company. They are now free to do as they please. It’s not about my legacy. It’s about money.” GLOCK pistols, in addition to being extremely popular among private citizens, are one of the most commonly used handguns for military and law enforcement around the globe.

Ian P. Freely, spokesperson for Sears Holding Company, stated during an interview this morning that Sears had not yet made a final decision on the disposition of the Austrian company’s assets. Asked if there was any chance the American icon might begin offering GLOCK pistols for sale at its thousands of stores nationwide, Mr. Freely calmly repeated that no conclusions had been reached as yet. However, the presence of Ms. O’Donnell, George Clooney, and Janeane Garofalo on the dais suggested to industry insiders that Sears would in fact more likely close the company down.

In an informal press conference after the Sears briefing, Ms. O’Donnell stated, “It’s time for America to stand up and make a difference. And if making a difference means buying half the companies in Europe, that’s what we’ll do. Buying this weapon manufacturer means putting controls on who can and cannot get access to deadly weapons and will help keep them off our streets and out of the hands of normal people who have no need for guns.” She was then escorted to her armored limousine by her team of six armed bodyguards.

Janeane Garofalo, part time actress and host of liberal talk radio, told press, “The American corporate hegemony is finally doing something right for the people of the world. I feel like Michelle Obama. For the first time in my life, I’m proud of America.”

Reaction from gun owners and the National Rifle Association is expected to be fierce. According to Sears’s Mr. Freely, the corporate executives are taking the necessary precautions by increasing their armed security details.

Article quoted from AFP *.

Train hard & stay safe! ToddG

* (April Fool’s Press)

  1. 24 Responses to “GLOCK Inc Bought by Sears”

  2. I am going to run out and pick up a few Gen3s before they are all gone… Any idea if Sears will be offering their lifetime Craftsman warranty…?

    By Det1397 on Apr 1, 2012

  3. Really, Ian P Freely? Awesome Article today.

    By Brian on Apr 1, 2012

  4. +1 on the Sears warranty…I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. On second thought, I’ll cry later, first I need to go purchase Smith & Wesson stock.

    By Brandon on Apr 1, 2012

  5. Oh, and happy April Fool’s to you too Todd. :)

    By Brandon on Apr 1, 2012

  6. I first read this and I was like, I am done with Glock and mad. Then I started drinking my coffee and realized what day it is and I looked at it again. LOL Good one Todd! Now that I have had my coffee I am ready for April 1st LOL

    By Dave Santos on Apr 1, 2012

  7. Yea, I’ll admit it…I fell for the headline and the first paragraph. Well done my friend, well done.

    By Jesus Banda on Apr 1, 2012

  8. I remember last years Bodyguards Class, this was just as good.

    By Cody on Apr 1, 2012

  9. Please be an April Fool’s joke!

    Granted, if you wrote this same article about Sears buying HK, that would have been stepping over the line.

    By John on Apr 1, 2012

  10. My vote would be for the Diehard logo.

    By Eric on Apr 1, 2012

  11. DON’T..DO…THAT… (Post a picture of Rosie O’Donnell without some kind of warning). It’s like a bad accident, you look away and when you look back other terrible details are seared into your memory. Good joke, by the way.

    By mongooseman on Apr 1, 2012

  12. As soon as I started this one I said out loud: “April Fool’s Mofo”

    By Wayne Dobbs on Apr 1, 2012


    By NETim on Apr 1, 2012

  14. Todd-

    thanks for posting this article. I own two glocks and it looks like i might need to start looking into S&W M&Ps.

    By Andrew on Apr 1, 2012

  15. I got a good chuckle out of this, Todd. Thanks.

    By bbqbologna on Apr 1, 2012

  16. Gil A. Bull, the senior manager for Sears assigned to Glock production has a long history overseeing the trigger manufacturing for all Craftsmen staple guns, so he’s PERFECT for the job!

    By Kevin Creighton on Apr 1, 2012

  17. Wow, I opened the page up to that picture…..threw up on my keyboard.

    By steve on Apr 1, 2012

  18. Jeeze! Not only was this a heart wrenching headline, it was a very scary scenario. Please don’t give “those” people any ideas! Last thing we need is a group of rich libs running around buying up gun companies….er…wait…this is April Fools, right?

    By Mr. Miracle on Apr 1, 2012

  19. Rosie O’Donnell to become majority share holder of Hostess Snack Cakes…

    Now at least that’s a believable story.

    By H&K 4 LIFE on Apr 1, 2012

  20. I hate april…

    By Shawn on Apr 2, 2012

  21. Had a little mini heart attack for a second. Then remembered its April fools. Was about to go buy every Gen 3 I could find and wait ten ten years and get 3x my money back…

    By Greg P. on Apr 2, 2012

  22. Todd if this gets out and gives any of them ideas. Well we know where to find you!

    By Phillip P on Apr 2, 2012

  23. I, for one, would love a Glock with a Craftsman logo. Makes sense in some way…

    By Sicktone on Apr 2, 2012

  24. Rosie and friends are clueless if they think buying and shutting down these and like companies will keep guns out of criminals hands. It’s not like they walk into Sears, or any store, and buy their guns.

    By Jan on Apr 5, 2012

  25. Good one. You scored.

    By captbahbah on Apr 22, 2012

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