So there I was, just minding my own business, and an entire case of HK 2011 calendars fell into the trunk of my car. You may recognize the very special HK P30 pistol featured on the cover, it has just over 90,000 rounds through it:
And yes, that is a very cheesy iPhone photo taken on the rug in my basement.
Anyway… since I now own more HK calendars than I could paper my walls with, it seemed like I should give some away. Which means it’s time for yet another silly pistol-training.com contest!
Five funniest jokes (must be G- or PG-rated; any joke inappropriate for family viewing will be deleted and the contestant disqualified) win a calendar, shipped anywhere in the continental US.
You have until 11:59pm on Sunday (2-Jan) to post your jokes.
Strict limit of three jokes per person! (you may only win one calendar)
(standard disclaimers: not valid where prohibited by law, no purchase necessary, need not be present to win, you must be at least 18yo to enter, yadda yadda)
Make me laugh! ToddG
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight to Chicago. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5.00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9.00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn’t woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed … it said… “It is 5.00am; wake up.”
A gentleman is defined as a man who owns bagpipes but refuses to play them.
A new traffic cop arrives on scene of a horrific car accident. Being the new guy he gets tasked with documenting the grusome bits.
So he breaks out his notepad and starts writing down the important stuff,
“Car in Ditch”
“Right Arm in Ditch”
he wanders a bit further,
“Left arm in Ditch”
a little further on
“Torso and left leg, in ditch”
A little further on
“Right leg in Ditch”
after walking back and forth numerous times he finally comes across the missing item, and writes it down,
“Head on pav….”a quick kick and a scratch, “Head in Ditch”
A mushroom goes into a bar and sits down. He says to the bartender, “I’d like a beer.”
The bartender turns to him and says, “Sorry, but we don’t serve your kind.”
The mushroom says, “Why not? I’m a fun guy (fungi).”
Commence knee slapping.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Graaaaaains!
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells the rope to get out, we don’t your kind here.
The next day the rope goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, again, tells the rope to get out or he’ll cut him up into a lot of little pieces.
On the third day, the rope ties himself into a knot, and shakes the end loose, so it’s all stringy and wild. He enters the bar and orders a beer. The bartender say’s “aren’t you that rope I’ve thrown out of here two times already?”
The rope responds, “Frayed knot!”
A piece of rope walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender tells the rope to get out, we don’t serve your kind here.
The next day the rope goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, again, tells the rope to get out or he’ll cut him up into a lot of little pieces.
On the third day, the rope ties himself into a knot, and shakes the end loose, so it’s all stringy and wild. He enters the bar and orders a beer. The bartender say’s “aren’t you that rope I’ve thrown out of here two times already?”
The rope responds, “Frayed knot!”
(had to edit to add the word “serve”)
A man walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender asks “What can I get you?”
The duck says “Nothing, just get this lawyer off my ass.”
Charley, a new retiree-greeter at Wal-Mart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time.
Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their “Older Person Friendly” policies.
One day the boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job,but your being late so often is quite bothersome.”
“Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it.”
”Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear.
It’s odd though your coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?”
”They said, “Good morning, Admiral, can I get you some coffee, sir?”’
What’s least racist letter of the alphabet?
Z
(all the other letters are not Zs)
My neighbor found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some “Nair” hair remover and rub it in the dog’s ears once a month.
The lady went to the store and bought some “Nair” hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days.”
The lady said, “I’m not using it under my arms.”
The pharmacist said, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days.”
The lady replied, “I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer.”
The pharmacist says, “Well stay off your bicycle for about a week.”
1) Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.”I was in that new restaurant across the street,” said one. “It’s so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere–it’s so sanitary that the whole place shines.” “Please,” said the other roach frowning. “Not while I’m eating!”
2) A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow’s ear. The farmer didn’t think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.
3) Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff. To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s tractor. “Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?” “Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly. “Do you realize that is the President of the United States airplane?” “Yep.” “Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped. “Nope. They’s all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting off his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.” “The President of the United States is dead?” The agent gulped in disbelief. “Well,” the farmer sighed, obviously wanting to get back to his work. “He kept a-saying he wasn’t … but you know what a liar he is.”
What do you get when you mix a brown chicken with a brown cow?
Brown chicki – Brown Cooooww
A young Catholic couple were on their way to the courthouse to get married when they were both killed in a collision with another car. While they waited in line at the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to receive them they resolved to ask him if they could get married in heaven. St. Peter said he wasn’t sure, but said he’d find try to someone to perform the ceremony, and off he went to find a priest.
St. Peter was gone for quite a while and they began to have second thoughts, so decided to ask about the possibility of a divorce when he returned. Three months later St. Peter came walking up, looking tired and worn after his exhausting search. “Yeah”, he said, “I found a priest, we can do it.”
“Can we get a divorce if we don’t get along?” the couple asked.
St. Peter went ballistic, threw down his clipboard and screamed, “Holy s*@#, it took me three months to find a priest! Do you have any idea how long it’s going to take to find a lawyer up here?!”
A man walked into the women’s department of Macy’s in New York City.
He told the saleslady, “I would like a Baptist bra for my wife, size 36B.”
With a quizzical look, the saleslady asked, “What kind of bra?”
He repeated, “A Baptist bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a
Baptist bra and that you would know what she wanted.”
“Ah, now I remember.” said the saleslady, “We don’t get as many requests
for them as we used to. Most of our customers lately want the Catholic bra
or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian type.”
Confused and a little flustered, the man asked, “So what are the differences?”
The lady responded, “Well, it’s really quite simple. The catholic type
supports the masses, the Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the
Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright.”
He mused at that for a moment and then asked, “So, what is the Baptist type for?”
“They,” she replied, “make mountains out of molehills”.
How do you make golden soup?
Add 14 carrots to it!
A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who’s at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, “I’ll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.
Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, “Who was that?” “It was Rob from next door,” she replies.
“Great,” the husband says. “Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?”
True story.
My law partner comes from a very loquacious family, one never at a loss for words. His father, whom I will call Fred, was entertaining his daughter’s longtime boyfriend, Jim, one vacation season. After a large lunch and a few hours watching football, Jim asked Fred if he could speak to him on the back porch. Everyone naturally assumed this was the time Jim would ask Fred’s permission to have his daughter’s hand in marriage.
Jim started, “Fred, you’ve known me for a few years now. I graduated at the top of my engineering class. I have a good, steady job working for Lockheed-Martin on a long-term contract with NASA. I’ve paid off all my student loans, my car is paid for, I put 40% down on a nice starter home, and I have no other debt.”
Fred, started squirming. Not because he was uncomfortable, only because it had been too long since he spoke. But Jim was having none of it. He pressed on.
“I attend church religiously. I am of high morals and have good references. My supervisors will vouch for my work ethic. I work hard, but I also enjoy life. You know that I share you interest in bird hunting. You have met my family and they like y’all.
“With all this in mind, Fred, I want to ask you a very important question. It is something I have been thinking and preparing for a long time now. Fred, what I want to ask you is, can I buy your bird dog?”
Fred had no reply. He didn’t sell the bird dog but he did give Jim his daughter.
A neutron walks into a bar, orders a drink and a steak. After finishing the meal he asks the bartender for the bill. The bartender replies:
“For you neutron, no charge.”
Wakka wakka wakka
A few beers, and the limericks flow easily:
1.
Some carry their guns so the butts
Dig uncomfortably into their guts.
A I W B,
It just isn’t for me:
I’m afraid I would shoot off my TOES
2.
MP9, G19 and P30
Crashed a nine millimeter party.
The HK had some schnapps,
The Smith danced in his chaps,
But the Glock was so square he left early.
I’ll stand by this one sober, though. Heard it at the Dallas Pistol Club:
3.
Three old shooting buddies were taking a walk. The first one says, “Man, but it’s windy!” The second says, “Really? I thought it was Thursday!” The third one says, “Me too, how about a beer?”
#2 from me
Basic Flying Rules: “Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.”
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
———————————————–
•Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
•Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
•Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
•Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
•Walt Disney didn’t die, he’s just in suspended animation.
———————————————–
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby.
“I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.”
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries.
“He says you’re gonna die.”
———————————————–
A Giraffe walks into a bar, he proceeds to drink too much and pass out. The bartender goes to the Zebra and says “what’s that lyin’ there?”
The Zebra says, “that’s not a Lion, that’s a Giraffe.”
A pirate was talking to a “land-lubber” in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate,
“How did you loose your leg?” The pirate responded,
“I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!” His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked,
“What about you hand. Did you loose it at the same time?”
“No,” answered the pirate. “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.” Finally, the land-lubber asked,
“I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye? The pirate answered,
“I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.” The land-lubber asked,
“How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?”
The pirate snapped, “It was the day after I got me hook!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson went on a camping trip. After sharing a good meal and a bottle of Petrie wine, they retire to their tent for the night.
At about 3 AM, Holmes nudges Watson and asks, “Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?”
Watson said, “I see millions of stars.”
Holmes asks, “And, what does that tell you?”
Watson replies, “Astronomically, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Theologically, it tells me that God is great and we are small and insignificant. Horologically, it tells me that it’s about 3 AM. Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes retorts, “Someone stole our tent.”
A bartender is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the back door. When he answers, a dirty, scroungy looking homeless guy asks him for a toothpick. The bartender is a little surprised, but none the less he gives him the toothpick and the guy goes off.
A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second homeless guy who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.
There is a third knock at the door, and a third homeless guy is standing there. The bartender says “Don’t tell me, let me guess. You want a toothpick too” “Actually no thanks, but can I have a straw please?” The bartender is kind of confused by this, but being a goodhearted man, he gives him a straw.
But before the guy takes off, curiosity gets the best of the bartender, so he asks the guy, “Hey your friends wanted toothpicks…and you wanted a straw. What the hell is going on?” “Oh, some drunk girl just threw up outside, but all the good stuff’s gone already.”
Top 10 reasons men prefer handguns over woman (sorry ladies, you know we love you).
No. 10 – You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
No. 9 – You can keep one handgun at home and another on the road.
No. 8 – If you admire a friend’s handgun he will let you handle it.
No. 7 – You can have a primary and a backup handgun.
No. 6 – Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
No. 5 – A handgun doesn’t take up a lot of closet space.
No. 4 – Handguns function normally every day of the month.
No. 3 – Handguns never ask if the grips make them look fat.
No. 2 – A handgun doesn’t mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
No. 1 – You can put a silencer (suppressor) on a handgun.
FBI is planning on hiring 1 officer for the 1 spot. Candidates include a CIA agent, an ATF agent and a retired Chicago Police Officer.
FBI agent hands over a loaded firearm to the CIA agent and says, “if you want this job you must go in that room and shoot who ever is in it.” CIA agent walks in the room and a moment later comes out and says, “I couldnt kill my wife. This job is not worth it.”
FBI agent then goes to the ATF agent and says the same thing, “if you want this job you must shoot who ever is in that room.” ATF agent goes in the room, comes out a short time later says, “I cant shoot my wife and mistress. It isnt worth it.”
FBI agent the goes over to the retired CHicago officer, says, “to get this job you must shoot who ever is in that room.” Retired officer goes in the room, and shortly after you hear 3 gun shots and a scuffle. A minute later, the retired officer comes out, bloody, and says, “your gun shot blanks so I had to go hands-on, on the old lady. When do I start?”
Every Sunday morning as Reverend Brown and Reverend Smith rode their bicycles to their respective churches they would greet each other as they passed. “Good morning Rev. Brown!” “Good morning Rev. Smith!.” And every Sunday afternoon on their ways home from their respective churches it was the same thing:. “Good afternoon, Rev. Brown!” “Good afternoon, Rev. Smith!”, they’d say to each other.
One Sunday morning Rev. Brown saw Rev. Smith walking instead of riding his bicycle. “Rev. Smith, where is your bicycle?!” Rev. Smith replied, “I think it was stolen and I fear it was one of my parishioners who took it.”
Rev. Brown said to Rev. Smith, “I’ll tell what to do… Preach a sermon today on the Ten Commandments. Preach a real fire and brimstone kind of sermon, and when you get to the bit about ‘Thou shall not steal’, I’ll bet the thief will be so full of sorrow and remorse that he’ll stand up, confess his sin, and beg forgiveness!” “That sounds like a great idea! I’ll do that!”, replied Rev. Smith.
That afternoon, sure enough, Rev. Brown sees Rev. Smith riding his bicycle home from church. “I see you got your bicycle back.”
Rev. Smith said, “Yes, I took your advice on the sermon.”
“And did the miscreant who stole it stand up and confess?”, asked Rev. Brown.
“Not exactly,” replied Rev. Smith. “When I got to the part about ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’ I remembered where I left my bicycle!”