So there I was, just minding my own business, and an entire case of HK 2011 calendars fell into the trunk of my car. You may recognize the very special HK P30 pistol featured on the cover, it has just over 90,000 rounds through it:
And yes, that is a very cheesy iPhone photo taken on the rug in my basement.
Anyway… since I now own more HK calendars than I could paper my walls with, it seemed like I should give some away. Which means it’s time for yet another silly pistol-training.com contest!
Five funniest jokes (must be G- or PG-rated; any joke inappropriate for family viewing will be deleted and the contestant disqualified) win a calendar, shipped anywhere in the continental US.
You have until 11:59pm on Sunday (2-Jan) to post your jokes.
Strict limit of three jokes per person! (you may only win one calendar)
(standard disclaimers: not valid where prohibited by law, no purchase necessary, need not be present to win, you must be at least 18yo to enter, yadda yadda)
Make me laugh! ToddG
What is the difference between a dead skunk on the road and a dead lawyer on the road?
Skid marks in front of the skunk.
An atom walks into a bar, visibly downtrodden, and orders a drink. After finishing rather quickly, he orders another.
Sensing the atom has suffered something of a misfortune, the bartender asks compassionately, “Is something the matter, friend?”.
Without lifting his eyes from the bar, the atom replies slowly with a weak voice, “You could say that. I lost an electron today.”
“Oh, wow. That’s terrible! Are you sure?” Asked the bartender. Choking back tears, the atom replied woefully, “I’m positive!”
Chuck Norris CAN judge a book by it’s cover… Nyuk Nyuk Nyuk…… 🙂
Obama doesn’t want our guns! Ha
Chuck Norris was in all three original Star Wars movies…
As the Force!
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!
How can you tell if your girlfriend is fat? She fits in your wife’s clothes.
A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he has any grapes.
The bartender says no we don’t have any grapes, this is a bar get the heck outa’ here.
The next night the duck walks back in and asks the bartender
“You got any grapes?”
The Bartender says:
“I told you once all ready we don’t got no stinin grapes and if you come back I’m going to nail your bill right to the bar!”
The next night the duck walks into the bar and says
“Bartender, do you have any nails?”
The Bartender says
“Nails? No, I don’t have any nails”
The duck says
“Good, got any grapes?”
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
So Ed walks into a Cracker Barrel…
A french fry walks into a bar and orders a Long Island Iced Tea. The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food here”.
Two pretzels were walking down the street, and one was a salted.
Q: What’s brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
Beer makers conference. Coffe brake. Tuborg CEO ealks into the bar and orders glass of Tuborg, Calsberg CEO — glass of Calsberg, Heineken CEO — glass of Heineken. There CEo of Giness walks in, looks arround and orders glass of Coca…
Everybody are confused, so Giness CEO expains: I see nobody drinks beer, so why should I?
a guy sits in bar staring at his drink. a big burly biker walks in , grabs the guy’s drink, gulops it in one swoop, slaps it down an says- “what are you gonna do about it?”. the guy starts crying. the biker is stunned. what is this crying for?he says. you really wanna know?asks the guy.yeh, says the biker.well, i was late to work and got fired, went to the parking lot only to realize that my car was stolen , and i have no insurance. ilost my wallet in the cab home, walked on my wife in bed with the neighbor,and got bitten by my dog.
now i’m sitting here in this bar ,just poured cynaide into my drink to end it all, and you walk in and snatches it away from me…. but enough about me, how’s your day going?
A blonde sits in a bar watching the 6:00 o’clock news. all of asudden, the story focuses on a guy standing on top of a high rise threating to kill himslef.
a guy next to the blonde slms a $50 on the counter and says to the blonde- “i’ll bet you $50 that he’s gonna do it”. she says ,you are on. a minute later ,the guy jumps to his death. the blonde hands over a $50 bill to the man next to her. he cordially refuses to take, telling her–” it’s not fair , i watched the 4:00 oclock news and saw it already. i knew he was going to jump.” she said, i watched the 4 o’clock news too , but didn’t think he was going to do it again…….
I was driving the other day and got pulled over. I had to show my license and, by law, my Concealed Carry Permit.
The officer asked if I was carrying and I responded, “Yes, I have an HK 45 In an appendix holster.”
He asked if I had any other weapons in my possession and I said, “Yes I have an HK P2000 in an ankle holster, an HK Mark 23 in the glove box, an MP5 in the back seat and a new HK GMG in the trunk.”
Astounded, the officer remarked, Wow! That’s enough for a small army.” And he asked, “What are you so afraid of?”
I shot him a sly smile and answered, “Absolutely nothing.”
What did George Washington tell his troops before they crossed the Delaware?
.
.
.
.
Get in the boat!
Two attorneys were walking out of a bar and a beautiful young lady walks by.
One attorney turns to his associate and comments “Boy, I would like to f##k her!
The other attorney thinks for a second and said “Out of what”?
Where does a sheep get a haircut? At a Baaaaaaaaaaaarber shop!
Two canibals were munching on a clown, when one of the canibals turned to the other and ask, Does this taste funny?
A new face walks into Mickey Finn’s and orders three pints. The bartender says, “We’re not supposed to back them up like that.” The new guy says, “T’is alright, barkeep. I’ll only be drinkin the three.” So he drinks the three draughts, pays his tab and leaves a respectable tip. This goes on every Friday for two months. Finally, one of the regulars walks up to him and says, “Friend, it’s none of my business, but why do you engage in this peculiar habit every Friday?” And the new guy says, “Don’t be afraid to ask! I have two brothers and we always got together on Friday nights to drink a pint together. Well, now me one brother is in London and the other is in New York. But no matter where we are, we always have a pint together.” Well, everybody thinks that is really neat, and leaves him to his business. After a while, the fellow comes in and orders only two pints. Well, this naturally upsets everyone. So the regular walks up to him and says, “Friend, I’m troubled to see you only order two pints this time. I’m terribly sorry. Tell me what has happened.” And our friend says, “Oh nothing! Me brudders are fine. It’s me you see: I’m given up the drink for lent!!”
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk!
I’m Irish by the way, and can vouch for this….
A guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive lady sitting at the other end reading a book and nursing her drink.
When her drink gets low, the guy asks the barteneder to give her another and put it on his tab.
A guy walks into a bar and sees an attractive lady sitting at the other end reading a book and nursing her drink.
When her drink gets low, the guy asks the barteneder to give her another and put it on his tab.
The bartender does so and the lady picks up the drink and takes a sip not even acknowledging the guy who bought the drink.
This same cycle repeats, the lady finishes her drink, the guy buys her another one, but she’s so engrossed in her book that she doesn’t even notice the drink has been replaced.
The guy then walks up to the lady and says:
“Excuse me, I just bought you two drinks and I haven’t even gotten a nod from you”
The lady apologizes and states that she’s very intrigued in this book.
“What’s it about?” the guy asks.
She says “It’s about the male sex drive”
Guy “So what does it say?”
Lady “It says that Native Americans are the most well endowed and that Mexicans have the most stamina…any way, enough about the book, what’s your name?
The guy says while grinning
“Tonto Rodriquez”
Since it’s not in frame, can you tell us if the bullets are backwards in that magazine?
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
A lady I know saw her cat get run over by a car, and she just stood there with a long puss.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a bar and order pints of Guniness. A fly lands in the Englishman’s beer; he is disgusted and orders a new beer. A fly lands in the Scotsman’s beer; he pulls it out, tosse it away, and continues drinking. A fly lands in the Irishman’s beer; he grabs the fly and squeezes it, shouting “Spit it out, ye bastard, spit it out!”
Why don’t witches get pregnant? . . . . . Their husbands have hollow weenies.
You know “that look” women get when they want sex??
Me neither
Why couldn’t Helen Keller drive?
She was a woman.
A man went into a bar and ordered a shot from the bartender and drank it. Then he looked at something in his pocket and ordered another shot and drank it. Again he looked at a piece of paper in his shirt pocket and ordered another shot and drank it. After this continued about 3 more times the curious bartender finally asked what was in his pocket that he had to look at before ordering a new shot every time.
He replied, “its a picture of my wife, my plan is to drink until she looks good and then go home”
My wife was looking for a car and said she wanted something what would go from 0-180 in 3 seconds flat…..so I bought her a bathroom scale.
A guy was driving around with 20 pinguins in his back seat. he gets puled over by a cop, who tells him to take them to the zoo.
the following day, the same guy with the same 20 pinguins in his back seat gets pulled over by the same cop.
hey, mister, says the cop, didn’t i tell you you to take them to the zoo?
i did, replied the man, today i’m taking them to the movies.
Two Al-Qaeda dads were sitting together telling stories. The first pulls out his wallet and pictures and says, “this is my oldest son…he is a martyr.” He then turns to another picture and says, with a tear in his eye, “this is my youngest son, he is a martyr too.”
With concern the other man puts his hand on the first mans shoulder and consoling him says, “I know…they sure blow up fast.”
Preacher is walking around his church and notices a man in the graveyard weeping at a gravestone. The man is very upset the preacher starts walking over and hearsd the weeping guy say, “Why did you have to die. If you would not have died my life would be so much better.” The preacher is thinking that this may be a tough one to console. The preacher introduces himself and asked if he could be of any help. The weeping man says no that he will be alright. The preacher asks who passed away and the weeping man relpies “My wifes first husband.”
Three women, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, sneak into a farmers orchard and start stealing apples. The farmer sees them and charges out of the house after them. They run into a barn to hide, and run up into the hay loft. Once they get there, they find three burlap sacks to hide in. The farmer runs up into the hay loft and finds the three sacks. He walks over to the first one and kicks it. The brunette is inside and she says, “Bark! Bark-bark-bark!!!” The farmer says, “Oh, that’s just a sack of puppies.” He walks over to the second sack and kicks it. The redhead is inside and says, “MEW! Meow, mew-mew-meow!!!” The farmer says, “Oh, that’s just a sack of kittens!” Finally, he walks over to the third sack, the one with the blonde in it, and kicks it. And she says, “POTATOES!!”
That’s three and out for me.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a dump in the woods together.
The bear says to the rabbit, “Hey, do you ever have a problem with poop sticking to your fur?”
“No”, says the rabbit.
So the bear wiped his butt with the rabbit!
So this DEA agent walks in to a classroom…
One day a lady from the church came to the parsonage and gave the Mrs. Johnson (the preacher’s wife) a gift for all the wonderful sermons that her husband has given.
Mrs. Johnson said, “Thank you very much but what is it?”
The lady said, “It is a Damn ham.”
Mrs. Johnson looked shocked and said, “Don’t speak that way to me, don’t you know that I am the preachers wife!”
The lady said, “Yes, yes I know, but that is the brand name of the ham!”
Mrs. Johnson said, “ooh I see well thank you”
Later that night when Mrs. Johnson was cooking dinner Preacher Johnson came into the kitchen and said, “Mmmm! That smells really good! What is it?”
Mrs. Johnson said,” Well thats your dinner tonight, some Damn Ham”
The preacher was shocked and said, “Don’t speak that way! We’re good christian people.”
Mrs. Johnson said, “Yes, yes! I know we are! It is just the brand name!”
The preacher said, “Oh! I see! Well it smells great!”
That night when dinner was ready she had set it out on the table. The corn, mashed potatoes, rolls, and ham!
When the family sat down they said their prayers and began to eat. The preacher said to his wife, “Could you please pass me some of that Damn ham?”
The wife said “sure”.
Then little Johnny said, “Alright dad! While you’re at it can you pass me the fucking mashed potatoes!”
Sorry..
Where did the three little kittens find thier mitten’s?
In the Yellow Pages.
There’s a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand seeing a man crying.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I’m late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
What was Helen Keller’s favorite color?
Corduroy.
A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?” “Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. “How do you know that?” “Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer”
A three legged dog walks into a saloon, and orders a beer. The bartender, after serving the drink says, “haven’t seen you in these parts, what brings you to our town? The three legged dog quietly says..”I’m lookin’ for the guy who shot my paw.”
Two men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building. The first man turns to the second and says, “You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window.” The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The second guy says, “What, are you nuts? There’s no way that could happen.” “No, its true,” the first man says. “Let me prove it to you.” He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into a 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
He meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. “You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke.” “No, it’s not. I’ll show you again,” says the first man, and he jumps again. Just as before, he hurtles toward the street but the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
“Well, why not? It works. I’ll try it.” He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.
Back upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, “You know Superman, you’re a real jerk when you’re drunk”.
________________________
A skeleton walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Give me a beer and a mop.”
______________________________
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, “Lord grant me one wish”. The sky clouded and a booming voice said, “Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish.” The man said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to.”
The Lord answered, “Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me”.
The man thought for a long time and finally said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say ‘nothing’, and how I can make a woman truly happy?”
After a few minutes God said, “How many lanes did you want on that bridge?”
Guy is brushing his teeth when he looks out of the window and is astounded to see a very large bear in the tree outside the window. Unsure of what to do he consults the Yellow Pages and finds a Bear Removal Service. He calls them up and about thirty minutes later a truck arrives in his driveway. He meets the driver and excitedly points to the tree where the bear is perched.The driver, a grizzled, rough looking gent, just grunts in the affirmative. He begins his preparations, putting on heavy gloves and boots with spikes, obviously for traction against the tree bark. The homeowner hovers around, excitedly questioning the bear catcher about the function of each piece of equipment. The bear catcher grudgingly gives him an explanation for each piece of equipment.
Finally getting all of his gear situated, the bear catcher returns to his truck and gets out the biggest dog the home owner has ever seen. The inevitable questions about the dogs breed come and he explains that ‘Ole Gus’ is a special breed of dog bred for bear catching. By instinct he will bite on the bear’s privates, bite with great pressure and will be unable to let go until he drives him back to the shop and gets a muscle relaxant shot that will cause the massive jaws to relax. Even in death the dog’s jaws simply will not open without extensive surgery.
He chains the dog loosely to the bottom of the tree, gets a pole out of the truck, and before the owner can ask another question, rattles off quickly; “I’ma climb the tree, poke the bear off the branch, and Ole Gus here is gonna clamp down till I can climb down and tie him up. Don’t go near Ole Gus while I’m up there, he’ll jump on anything that comes near and he don’t see to good.”
The homeowner, astounded at the plan just nods. The bear catcher starts towards the tree, pauses, then makes one more trip to his truck. He removes a huge shotgun that he hands to the homeowner.He starts up the tree. The homeowner reviews the list of equipment the bear catcher told him about and realizes a shotgun was not on the list. “MISTER!”, “WHAT’S THE SHOTGUN FOR?!”. The bear catcher pauses in his climb, makes eye contact with the home owner and calmly states, “That’s in case the bear knocks ME out the tree”
A duck walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender, and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “No” so the duck leaves. The next day the duck comes back again. He goes up to the bartender and says “Got any grapes?” The bartender says “Look duck. We don’t have any grapes today, we didn’t have any yesterday, and we definitely won’t have any tomorrow. If you come back in here and ask for grapes again, I’m going to nail your webbed feet to the floor.” So the duck leaves. The duck comes back the next day, goes up to the bartender and asks “Got any nails?” The bartender says “No.” Then the duck says “Oh good. Got any grapes?”
1- A pirate walks through the door of a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his fly. The bartender looks at him but chooses not to say anything until after he has provided him with a few drinks so he’ll relax. Finally the bartender summons up the courage: “Excuse me pirate, do you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of your fly?” The pirate looks at him irritably and says “Arrgh! It’s driving me nuts.”
2. A blonde is driving her car down the road when she seas another blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a wheat field. She slams on the brakes, backs up, jumps out of the car and yells at the blonde, “what the heck to you think you’re doing?” The blonde in the field replies “I am rowing in this beautiful sea of wheat”. The roadside blonde shakes her head and yells, “it’s blondes like you that give us all a bad name, making us look stupid and all. And I’m telling your right now if I could swim I’d come out there and kick your butt”.
2. A blonde is driving down the road and is pulled over by a blonde trooper. The trooper comes to the car and asks for the driver’s license. The driver rummages around in her purse looking for an i.d. She apologizes to the trooper as she’s not finding her photo i.d. but finally she pops open her compact looks into it and with a smile she hands it over to the trooper saying “here it is”. The blonde trooper takes it, looks into it and says, “oh sorry ma’am, if I had know you were a trooper I wouldn’t have pulled you over”.